what if.....

it was that night when i was walking back from the supermarket with my housemate. it was a silent walk and it got me thinking all of a sudden, what if me and T never went back to see each other that summer? what if he was happy with his choice and what if i was happy with mine? or what if we never want to see each other again? what would have become of us now if we never go back and realise how much we love each other? 

well for one thing i know i'll still be searching for someone like T.. so much that he hurts me before but i could never get over him... and i dont know if i ever will... 

for him,, i don't know. maybe  he'll get over me and forget me just like that.. but i'll never know because that day had made us closer then we ever was... distance kept us apart but so far his still in my heart..... 

we'll still be friends but its not the same

i was watching this weeks glee episode. was kinda boring or maybe i'm just expecting too much from the whole show. while i was trying to make sure my eyes stays open through the whole show, there was one scene where all the girls from trouble tone and and quinn were in the washroom and quinn mention something.. "we will still be friends but it won't be the same anymore. we'll only get to meet up once in a while on special occasions". it got me to realize that what she said was true... to my best friends out there, i miss you all.. hopefully things are going well for all of you... 

when the person you missed is in a cigarette...

and so it was... i'm addicted to smoking.. something that i'm not proud of. i use to smoke when socializing with peoples, going to party and stuff. but i never got addicted. why now?? what happen to me?
then it struck me, i started having this craving after i was with S few weeks ago. i lay down beside him and for a moment i feel that T was there again. i know its not fair for S, and its unethical for me to actually have a thought like that, but i know he wont mind.... that night i had my first cigarette after a long time with S. and so it was.. my brain connects the nice feeling i had when i lay beside S with the cigarette.. thats how i end up with this endless craving.. the cigarette itself have a calming effect....

i told S about the craving. well, his been very supportive of me quitting before its too late.... 

being alone

"There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever."

a thousand years.. could it be..

today while i was changing in my closet the song a thousand years- christina perri started to play..

it was a sweet happy song of hope.. but what i feel was different.. its been 3 months since we are apart from each other. being far from each other seems easy on the surface. but inside it was like an aneurysm waiting to explode. it made me think, can T wait for me that long... 

i know someday he'll be married to someone.. and when that day comes, will i be happy for him or vice versa?  

will things be different when the time comes? will i shed any tears for him being happy? or will it be like having organ damage or one of my major organ failed to bear all this pain.... 

it just made me think... 

i could love you for another thousand years, and for another thousand more....

The Beginning....

"I left because i was alone and i have nothing. Pushed away my sadness and pretended is was strong....."